What's love?

     "In the end, it doesn't matter how well we have performed or what we have accomplished - a life without heart is not worth living."


 What's love, anyways? I've come to the realization that I simply don't know. I don't know because of the walls built up over the past few decades, walls built by my own doing in the dark places of my heart. There's pain in those places, memories from years ago that still haunt me, still shape how I view God and myself and others. The logic is pretty simple: I can't be hurt anymore if I don't let anyone get too close to me. It worked for years and years, to always sit on the edge of the cliff, far too calloused and battered to let down my guard. Too scared to jump, yet knowing someday I would have to leap if I ever wanted to soar. As I mentioned in my first post, there came a point where I had to draw some sort of line in the sand, and forcibly and intentionally make some major life changes in order to jump-start my heart. God graciously allowed me to see and live the life of the heartless man, one cocooned in thin walls of doubt, pain, distrust, fear; this is all too common in men today, and unfortunately I fell into the same trap: kill the heart, and the pain will stop. Hard-charging Type A personalities- yup, that's me: oh what an easy way to destroy the heart, by burying it in "productivity". You'll see a lot of men do this- something really, really hurts, or they are too afraid to wade the depths of their own heart, so they bury it and cover it over with all sorts of various devices- work, women, substance abuse, etc. The broken parts of my heart- they started so young, and I rebroke it time after time. When challenged by someone who began to show unconditional love to me, it shook me like nothing ever had before, and I immediately moved 1000 miles away in order to figure out what exactly is going on inside of me. Call it self-help, or workaholic rehab, but God made it so clear that I needed to end this rebellion, and cave into the amazing grace offered to me. The very thing I craved the most, love, was the thing I was running away from for so many years. Always held captive, yet there was a freedom available that I refused to take advantage of, until recently. I don't want to just be able to pontificate about the doctrines and principles of love- I want to know it, deep down inside, something unshakable and immovable.

     So there's where I'm at: I'm on a journey to know what love is, true love- none of that Hollywood nonsense, but love in it's truest form: Christ Jesus, unfiltered. It's uncomfortable and awkward, to be vulnerable; at times I squirm and kick and scream, longing to go back into that deep, dark cave, but that's no longer me, it's not what I do anymore. I've tasted freedom, and there's no going back now.



What will cause a man to climb the highest mountain
In search for more?
And will cause a man to swim the vast blue sea
In search for more?
What will cause a man to soar through the clouds
In search for more?
Yes, what is he looking for?

Now I'm sailing on the sea of mystery
And I'm floating on the ocean of unknown
And I'm not gonna come ashore
Until I find what I'm looking for
I'm not coming back 'til I find love

What will cause a man to wage the wildest storms
In search for more?
What will cause a man to explore the darkest jungles
In search for more?
What will cause a man to fly to the moon
In search for more?
Yes, what is he looking for?


I have no idea how this story ends, but I'm elated to be called on this journey, an adventure to find my heart again, and to find Christ through it all as I experience him as we walk along together. This isn't waxing poetic about grand theories in psychology, this is a lifestyle change that I've wrestled with for years and years, and I can't wait to see what happens next. I don't know what love is, but I'm in the process of finding out.